February 17th, '12 (Part-2)

I am very happy that she does notices about me. May be some other people also did, but she's the only one who matters. She said that I look very thin and had really very straight hair. Now how could I explain her that hereditary, build derived from my grandfather, and hair derived from my dad. Well, she also said that she started staring me as soon as I climbed the podium. I found it very strange hearing it from her, but I liked it a lot. After all, who hates being noticed by a girl, for whom the whole college runs for.

That's another thing that neither of us ran after each other, it just happened to me somehow.

She told me that I need to gain some weight and get a good build, so I started working on it. I wasn't ever bored while talking to her. I said to her that I wanted her to be by my side, always. She found that cute or sweet, something I can't figure out, but she definitely liked it.

The I said those three old words to her, but she suspected if I will ditch her. That was just out of the equation thing. Even if she did it to me, I couldn't have stopped loving her. But se needs some time to understand how much I feel for her and may be she was just afraid of another heart break. But I couldn't find a way to assure her that I wont ever do that to her, but I tried my best at it. I told that I'd rather kill myself that breaking her heart and ditching her. But being honest, if she ever did that to me, I'd be dead for sure, may be not clinically, but mentally for sure.

She said that she liked it very much talking to me and felt like heaven…! But I just want her to be with me right now…! The worst part of it was that she was missing me, well I'm missing her too, but it must be much difficult for her, being there in that condition, all those needles piercing her child-like skin…! But then again, its not forever, its just for a small time, and it will end up soon… And she'd be with me, in front of me, with me… Or at least, that's what I wish.

February 17th, '12 (Part-1)

It was really nice talking to her last night. She wanted to know if I really loved her, and if so, up to what extent…?

I told her that its love not some derivative whose limit I could find. I found it too nerdy though, but she found it cute and sweet. I also told her that whatever may come, I'll always be standing with her, always. She also asked me what things, big or small, did I noticed about her. Well it is actually a pretty long list that I told her about, something of her own, her actions, etc. she wanted the details, so I told her about the small thingies that I noticed about her, like her pink and white socks, her blue hair band, her shades of nail paint, the glint in her eyes, those small colorful hearts on her college bag, with a few captions beneath it. I also told her that she had a very cute smile, I talked about her hands, soft, cute and cuddly like a child's… I just want to hold on to it forever… Well, I also told her that I loved  her cheerful voice when she was happy, her silver earrings, the hues of red on her cheeks when she blushed, the way she twinkled her eyes….

Oh god, there's so much to tell about her...! But I think I am just running out of my vocabulary… And that, I can't help it…

Don't know, what happened to her, she asked me about moving on. I was in a trance for a few seconds, but then I told her about the last time I tried to move on. I didn't gave her the details, but just a sign that it wasn't so easy for me to stop loving the person whom you miss the most, every time and move on… Its never been easy for me to do so. I then asked her, if she could stop loving someone and move on. She didn't said that she loved someone or the other, but she said that it would not be easy at all for her too. That’s what I expected to hear from her. But I was not sure if she really wanted me to go or wanted to be with me… From the way she said it to me, it just broke me for a few seconds. But when she said that it wasn't easy for her to let go the person whom she loved, I was moved. I just had no words against it.

She also mentioned somewhere about her nature, that what I felt about it… I told her that she is sweet, cute, cooperative, helping. I also mentioned how much her self esteem mattered to her. I also told her that she sometimes acted very stubborn, but then again, she turned out to be normal.

When she asked me about how much I loved her, I told her that it is immeasurable, unconditional love that I had for her deep inside my heart. Yesterday when she told me that she was to be given sedation for an MRI scan, I was worried that when would I be able to talk to her. I called her in the lunch time but she didn't pick up the call, as she might have been under sedation, so I didn't wanted to bother her so I just didn't called many more times. I've been to hospitals, many times, seen people in pain and wailing, but whenever her thought came to my mind, it just left me numb for a few seconds, leaving me motionless. As I didn't hear her voice for almost 2-3 days, I couldn't even gulp down a glass of water properly, as it felt that it would shoot out of me from my mouth. When I heard her voice in the evening, I took a sigh of relief. She seemed weak. I wanted to see her, but she didn't tell me where she was, or just doesn't wanted me around her like this. But I wanted to be with her in situations like these. But even I think that wouldn't have bee appropriate, as her parents might not have liked me there.

Well, what can I say, as I myself is hanging by a thread right now. The decision of my fate is in her hands, as I've played my role in it. Now its up to her, whether to accept me or to reject me.

February 16th, '12

Today I was wondering that I'd stay in touch with her, but things turned out differently. I was just missing her cheerful and chirping voice, but I wasn't able to hear  it… It seemed to be lost as if it has faded away with her depleting health. But one can not tell from her face what she hid inside her. No one but me, knew about it. But still, when I look at her photograph, I just wonder why did god made her suffer from this pain… Why she? My question is still unanswered, but I think I could reach to a conclusion. It seems that someone, up there is playing oddball with me. He wants me to feel the pain which I've given to others, directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally… Well whatever it may be, now I am recalling all those moments when I've not been the person who I should have always been or was supposed to…

I had to tell Roy a partial truth, as I can't tell him every damn detail about it…

Like always, things are not in my favor very much… I now think that she's also avoiding me at certain levels, but again, I just can't let it go just like that…

I heard her voice for the first time in the past two days, although it was a relief, but it sent my body into a shiver… her happy and cheerful voice was dull and lifeless. It seemed as if someone was sucking out the life out of her. But as I had promised her, and she had promised me, we will be going out on the 22nd of this month. I was thinking of asking her out but couldn't do it, then don't know how she herself asked me out on the 14th. I refused her and told her that it was not safe going out as there is a real big danger of being caught by some political ass holes who think that we don't have that right.

Well, that’s another thing. Coming back to the point, the date, or as others would say. I asked her to accompany me to the ice cream parlor somewhere  nearby so that we could have some healthy fun…

I would just not call it a date, though it seems to be one, as she's the one who still has to answer to me… I let out my feelings in front of her, she didn't reacted strangely or angrily, as she might have been expecting it…

But my friends are cheering me up and asking me to be strong, not all of them but only Roy, and face it with courage. He's one of the best buddies I've ever found in my entire life… He's more like a brother that just a friend, not even like one, he is a brother to me…

Well, what I am thinking right now is that there are still more that 3 days or 72 hours, or 4320 minutes or some another hundred thousand seconds…

I wish she'd be with me always, whenever I need her and I'd be with her, whenever she needs me… that's all I wish for right now!

February 15th, '12

As some one has said, that every person repents for his or her misdeeds…  such a misdeed of mine has left me in trance. All that I can do is just pray for her to be fine, that's the least I could do. I told her that if she needs blood I could donate it to her, but she rejected it and said that she'd get it from the blood bank. I am just trying to help her keep her spirits up and high. She didn't even tell to her best thing about this, but me… I should have understood it, that it wasn't fake, 'coz love isn't a thing to be faked, it just happens, to me, to others and to all of us… Not just with us, but everything of theirs… The hair, the eyes, the smile, the face, each and everything.

I was a little heart broken yesterday, but when she talked to me, it just set a relief to my senses… I was tensed, about what would she be going through, I have done this thing to her, although unintentionally, or even intentionally, but not to hurt her, just to make her realize… But that wasn't supposed to happen, as the who was supposed to realize was me, not her.

She even accepted my apologies but I am sure that she must be heart broken with the way I treated her-- like a devil… I even called her that, not directly, but indirectly… This wasn't supposed to happen at all…! I can't bear this, hurting her so badly… She didn't deserved this, never ever… This is the thing that will be always reminding me of what I did wasn't good, not for me and absolutely not for her…! I ask myself if there is anyway that I could repay for my mistake, and be with her, an see her happy, I am ready to do that… But all I need is HER…!

I wish I'd let her read this someday, and let her understand how much I was regretting this… :'(