It was
really nice talking to her last night. She wanted to know if I really loved
her, and if so, up to what extent…?
I told
her that its love not some derivative whose limit I could find. I found it too
nerdy though, but she found it cute and sweet. I also told her that whatever
may come, I'll always be standing with her, always. She also asked me what
things, big or small, did I noticed about her. Well it is actually a pretty
long list that I told her about, something of her own, her actions, etc. she
wanted the details, so I told her about the small thingies that I noticed about
her, like her pink and white socks, her blue hair band, her shades of nail
paint, the glint in her eyes, those small colorful hearts on her college bag,
with a few captions beneath it. I also told her that she had a very cute smile,
I talked about her hands, soft, cute and cuddly like a child's… I just want to
hold on to it forever… Well, I also told her that I loved her cheerful voice when she was happy, her
silver earrings, the hues of red on her cheeks when she blushed, the way she
twinkled her eyes….
Oh god,
there's so much to tell about her...! But I think I am just running out of my
vocabulary… And that, I can't help it…
Don't
know, what happened to her, she asked me about moving on. I was in a trance for
a few seconds, but then I told her about the last time I tried to move on. I
didn't gave her the details, but just a sign that it wasn't so easy for me to
stop loving the person whom you miss the most, every time and move on… Its
never been easy for me to do so. I then asked her, if she could stop loving
someone and move on. She didn't said that she loved someone or the other, but
she said that it would not be easy at all for her too. That’s what I expected
to hear from her. But I was not sure if she really wanted me to go or wanted to
be with me… From the way she said it to me, it just broke me for a few seconds.
But when she said that it wasn't easy for her to let go the person whom she
loved, I was moved. I just had no words against it.
She also
mentioned somewhere about her nature, that what I felt about it… I told her
that she is sweet, cute, cooperative, helping. I also mentioned how much her
self esteem mattered to her. I also told her that she sometimes acted very
stubborn, but then again, she turned out to be normal.
When she
asked me about how much I loved her, I told her that it is immeasurable,
unconditional love that I had for her deep inside my heart. Yesterday when she
told me that she was to be given sedation for an MRI scan, I was worried that
when would I be able to talk to her. I called her in the lunch time but she
didn't pick up the call, as she might have been under sedation, so I didn't
wanted to bother her so I just didn't called many more times. I've been to
hospitals, many times, seen people in pain and wailing, but whenever her
thought came to my mind, it just left me numb for a few seconds, leaving me
motionless. As I didn't hear her voice for almost 2-3 days, I couldn't even
gulp down a glass of water properly, as it felt that it would shoot out of me
from my mouth. When I heard her voice in the evening, I took a sigh of relief.
She seemed weak. I wanted to see her, but she didn't tell me where she was, or
just doesn't wanted me around her like this. But I wanted to be with her in
situations like these. But even I think that wouldn't have bee appropriate, as
her parents might not have liked me there.
Well,
what can I say, as I myself is hanging by a thread right now. The decision of
my fate is in her hands, as I've played my role in it. Now its up to her,
whether to accept me or to reject me.
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